I have always been in quest about life, its meaning and what I wanted to do in this life and what I am capable of doing? I have read some self help books until I stumbled upon a random booklet at a Buddhist temple,
where I got struck by this quote
“To live life to fullest, you have to express yourself fully,” I have come to believe that sharing our life experiences could be our contribution/gift to each other.
Here I am, Deepika, ready to open up and share my life experiences, my thoughts, my feelings choices I made to be the person I am today. I am grateful for everything and to everyone for their contributions and to have been blessed with this adventurous life. I will keep learning and growing with everyone in this journey as I experience life situations and interactions. I seem to others like a social butterfly but I am an introvert. Never been able to be myself perhaps with the fear of being judged or rejection of not being a perfect person. Overtime I have come to realize that striving and struggling to be perfect is unnatural and I have come to accept that “I am not perfect but I am what I am” period!”
This is what universe intended to make of me, I have come to accept myself as being content with myself and accept the gifts I have been given with gratitude.
To my remembrance and earliest memory as a young child I remember was that my soul was in love with everything, “I was in love with love!” I would keep overflowing with love and it never got emptied. As I grew, social conditioning and life situations, made me change my integral belief. I was shaken to my core to loose trust in myself and to become a person which I wasn’t -Live for society, behave like herd and be socially acceptable. I was developing to become a split personality. To my recollection right from young age to now I have been in war with myself and I have the wounds of war to testify my journey. However, those wounds are my assets now and I cherish them as my life lessons. My soul has disintegrated and integrated a thousands of times. But each time I disintegrated I looked up to universe for help, and it never disappointed me, it gave me the power to integrate and rise. Celestials, Wildlife and nature have been my biggest teachers. Example: Importance of balance from celestials positioning, strength and grounding – how each tree individually survives a storm, lessons to persevere from spider or ants. I believe animals have sixth sense and when you call universe for help, they show up to encourage and inspire.
My belief of the fact that each time something happens it is meant to happen, it is happening for our soul growth. We need to accept it with gratitude and trust. We must quest for what it is trying to tell? Each time I reassembled or tried integrating myself, Universe always provided the resources. It is for us to be vigilant to tap what we have. In a nutshell, universe only gives us what we can handle and is needed for our soul growth. If we lived each moment in presence it has everything in it!
This will be the most interesting part when you will know the emotional and social aspect of me. I have had incredible life experiences and lessons with people. I guess my soul asked for adventure. I will eventually be opening up myself more and more to share my experiences, the choices I made in life situations, my beliefs and learnings as I grew. How I made my limitations/weaknesses into my greatest strength.(My secret- I have always believed that god will always do what is in highest good for my/your soul ascension) This belief helped me overcome hopelessness. I will elaborate more later.
I will specifically not want to mention the people in my life because I haven’t taken their permission to mention their context or part they played in my life or may be I will get their consent later. I like to thank each of them sincerely for being in my life. Sometimes I marvel, what an inner adventure and emotional roller coaster ride I have had! Thank you God!
WE ALL LEARN FROM ONE ANOTHER
Looking at my journey
In retrospect, I think, my soul always felt more pain for a purpose, maybe to understand human emotions or to experience pain to fullest to become more empathetic to everything that is. I have been a very sensitive person and always wondered why things feel a certain way? There was a reason to it which I understand now, as I write. If my soul didn't undergo fusion and fission a several times, I would never be where I am today. I am at a place where I acknowledge world as one big family and everyones' pain is our collective pain. With gods grace, I am able to muster strength time to time to withstand its undertaking, feel it, learn lessons from it and let go of it to the universe, what I cannot handle.
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Various stresses in life put immense load on my immune system as a result my body systems went haywire. I have had Hashimotto’s thyroiditis, my immune system attacked my own thyroid gland. I take thyroxine everyday. Although the dosage has been reduced from what I used to take. My thyroid is in control now. The melanin of my hair was attacked by my own immune system, giving me considerable number of greys very early in life. I color my hair with herbs henna and kelp which give my hair temporary color. Recently I have had new hair coming in and they are black. (will share secrets in my beauty kit) I have battled PTSD, depression, anxiety, panic, paranoia, fears and various other emotional and psychological issues. I survived close to fatal road accident, a turning point in my life. I may have survived for a reason? Besides this there have been several other life threatening situations which have made me strong. Society has always been confusing to me, It has always challenged me emotionally or rather to put it better – I have taken social issues as a challenge myself. Maybe because tigress wanders alone and fights her own battle! 😉 Herd makes her feel weak.
I still do not understand the social norms. I have always been free spirited person. Being in society or herd was suffocating. I was in war with myself, inner fight and flight. As a result I indulged into comfort eating, I put on those extra pounds to an extent of having borderline diabetes. It was tough to shed the extra pounds, maintaining it was even tougher. It was like climbing the mountain each day to restore the body and reverse my diabetes.
My chronic lower back pain which almost crippled me physically. Doctors said spinal surgery was the only option. The pain was actually amplification of my collective pain my soul had been carrying from life times.
Physical symptoms and disease were just the manifestation of my emotional burdens in my subconscious. Inflammation, allergies and stress were taking over my normal bodily functions. From head to toe every part of my body has had some or the other problem. There was this constant war I have been having inside my body, mind and soul. I was breaking down everyday. I think my soul yearned to express itself to fullest but never got to express because of circumstances and life situations or maybe I wasn’t brave?? More so because I believed in putting aside myself over those who needed my attention first or perhaps I yearned to deal with my karmic first, or life intended to be that way.
I have been a vegetarian and a high fiber and citrus food fan, I have enjoyed lot of fruits and vegetable which gave my teeth and jaw quite a workout. I was chewing like grazing animals chew vegetables, as a result the enamel of my teeth has wore down considerably. Going through emotional issues made me grind my teeth in night- bruxism. There wasn’t a part in mind body and soul which was not effected. Everything was shutting down, I felt shattered, not myself in my own body.
I will elaborate mental, physical and emotional issues in Metamorphosis and inner Alchemy section.